The Purple Paper

the first instance of social anxiety that i vividly remember happened in the first grade. after missing a day of school, i returned to find that the other students pulled out a purple piece of paper during reading time. looking over at my classmate's papers, i determined that it was for recording how long we read and how many pages we read.

i knew that i should tell my teacher that i had missed the last day so i could get a paper, but for some reason i found this task too scary to attempt. i sat in my seat, hoping that should would notice me and give me one. i didn't know why i was afraid, but i just couldn't muster up the courage to go talk to her. the teacher never noticed me, and so i never got one.

for weeks, the other students pulled out their purple papers during reading time, while i had nothing. instead of reading, i sat staring at my book, worrying about what i would do if my teacher noticed my lack of paper. if she asked me why i hadn't asked for one when i first noticed the appearance of the papers, i would have no good answer. i couldn't tell her i was afraid, that wouldn't make any sense. i would only be able to say, "i didn't notice."

my anxiety not only tortured me at school during reading time, it tortured me at night also, while i was trying to sleep. i tossed and turned in my bed, imagining the scenario of my teacher confronting me, over and over again.

finally, the day came to turn in our purple papers, and i had none to show. the scenario in my head finally played out. she asked me why i didn't have one, and i admitted that i never got one. when asked why i never asked for one, i told her that i didn't notice the other students having one.

later, at a parent teacher conference, she attributed my lack of noticing to "daydreaming."